Green with Enby

by

Allison Fradkin

SYNOPSIS

Aline Fabry has discovered that being straight is no Sapph-faux pas. She’s sick of being a speck on the gender spectrum too, and is hoping to get it all out of her system—or, in her case, her cis-tem. Can her favorite (and only) child Gene, an LMFT, administer inversion therapy to make her LGBT (and E-N-B-Y)?

CHARACTERS

GENE

20s-40s
non-binary
open ethnicity
marriage & family therapist
clinical yet whimsical

ALINE

50s-70s
female-identifying
open ethnicity
bakery owner
autocratic yet idiosyncratic

SETTING
Gene’s office.

TIME
The present

 

 

At rise, GENE is alone in their office, practicing for a pronouncement.

GENE

When it comes to non-hetero sexual orientation, don’t stan it. Pan it! That’s right, Ma, you’ve hit the mother lode, because not only am I pansexual, but...

(sings, to the tune of the Oscar Mayer jingle)

GENE

My queerness has a gender. It’s E-N-B-I-E.

(reconsiders)

GENE

I should spellcheck that. I feel like the I-before-E is really a Y-after-B.

Gene whips out their iPad—or, better yet, a good old-fashioned dictionary.

ALINE

(from offstage) I’m coming in!

GENE

(sotto voce) I’m coming out! Eventually.

(ALINE enters. Her attire is showy and flowy, and a fashion scarf keeps her head—but not her hubris—under wraps.)

ALINE

You would not believe the gay I had.

GENE

What?

ALINE

Oh.

(unwrapping the scarf)

I said: You would not believe the day I had. Can you queer me now?

GENE

Yeah, Ma, I can hear you now.

ALINE

Yes, but can you listen? A therapist should lend an ear when someone bends their ear. So, tell me, Dr. Fabry, how’s therapy treating you?

GENE

I’m…treating others to the best of my ability as always, Ma, thanks for asking.

ALINE

I’m not asking, Gene, I’m questioning. Which brings me back to my original question: Can you queer me now? You remember that digital dating doohickey you introduced me to? This scarf wasn’t hiding an honest-to-goodness hickey—yet, but it’s best to make the proper preparations, because that app has some seriously succulent applicants. This morning, I went out for breakfast with Dashiell, an FTM—that’s trans talk for Female-to-Male—and he was telling me the most scintillating story. On the day of his first gender confirmation surgery, as he was being wheeled off to the operating theater, he started belting out “Tradition!” You know, from Fiddler on the Roof. Except he changed it to “Transition!” since that’s what he was about to do. Then he did it for every surgery since, so that it became—wait for it—tradition! “Dashiell,” I said, “way to make like your namesake and Hammett [ham it] up.” I am so glad I didn’t limit my options to people whose identifiers were identical to mine.

GENE

So you went to the “I am looking for” section on the app and found...Select All?

ALINE

I didn’t check all the boxes. I checked all the out-of-the-boxes. I hope that doesn’t make you bristle. You leave the bristling to the snazzy new electric toothbrush I just bought you. Wait’ll you see it. It’s…

(rummaging around in her purse)

It’s in the car.

GENE

Thanks, Ma.

ALINE

Young [man or lady, depending on the birth-assigned sex of the actor playing Gene], I’m going to need you to stop calling me that. It’s essential for treatment that we reverse the power dynamics between us. You call me Aline, and I’ll call you Dr. Fabry.

GENE

Ma, I can’t be your therapist. At best, it’s a conflict of interest. At worst, it’s a compromise of ethics.

ALINE

Since when is nepotism a form of discrimination? If it helps, don’t think of me as a parent. Think of me as a patient. There’s not much difference letter-wise. And therein lies the problem. Do you know how many boxes I checked when I signed up on that app? Two: the one marked cisgender female and the one marked heterosexual. My whole life I’ve prioritized rigidity over fluidity.

GENE

You can’t help who you are.

ALINE

But you can. I’m a sheet cake, sweetheart.

GENE

Doc.

ALINE

Single-layer. How can I compete with—or appeal to—people like Dashiell who have more layers than a wedding cake? Don’t read into that. It’s mostly a metaphor. I’m sure Dashiell will dash my hopes of a second date when he realizes how prosaic I am. He’d probably be happier with an MTF, not an...empty F. You know, yesterday, at the supermarket, someone called out “Hey, cis!” and my head swiveled like a tube of lipstick.

GENE

You should spellcheck that. I feel like the C in cis is the sibilant equivalent of the S in sis…ter. Do you think maybe you’re internalizing inclusivity and negating it with negativity?

ALINE

That does seem to be my proclivity. But if I weren’t so normal, I wouldn’t feel so weird. I’m tired of not being different. I want to fit in. No—I want to fit out. I want to be Queer AF!

GENE

Are you interpreting that as Queer Aline Fabry?

ALINE

You say that as if it’s open to multiple interpretations.

GENE

Well, you’re in for a shock.

ALINE

Am I? Are you going to subject me to electroconvulsive therapy?

GENE

You say that as if you’re open to multiple administrations.

ALINE

Does that shock you?

GENE

Shockingly, no. As a matter of fact, I’m glad you brought it up, Aline. You’re familiar with conversion therapy, correct? Well, what you are about to experience is its sister remedy: inversion therapy. Patients who have received this treatment report an instant inclination to steer queer of straightness and ancillary anomalies. To prepare for the procedure, you are required to retrieve an object that will deliver a zesty and zippy zap to your system. For my part, I will collate images that a cisgender heterosexual female of your caliber would deem desirable.

ALINE

I will BRB PDQ!

GENE

You’re so acronymble [acro-nimble].

(Aline exits. Gene scrolls through their iPad and dutifully downloads images of their mother’s favorite male-identifying eye candy, commenting on their selections all the while.)

Ugh, that mother of mine. Why must she be so unbearably hip and open-minded?

(Aline enters, brandishing an electric toothbrush.)

ALINE

(sings, to the tune of “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John)

Let’s get bzzz-ical, bzzz-ical. I wanna get bzzz-ical.

(reaching for a tape dispenser on Gene’s desk)

Should I attach it to my head like a unicorn horn or just grip it?

GENE

Grip it. Grip it good. Now, I’m going to show you a series of photographs, and when you see an image of someone you’d like to...tap, give yourself a zap.

(Gene holds up their iPad. If possible, the images Gene shows Aline are simultaneously projected onto a wall or screen so that the audience can see them as well. One at a time, Gene reveals a photograph of a male celebrity, identifying the celebrity by name if necessary. The pictures should be as retro and ridiculous as possible. The more cringe-worthy the image is to the average person, the more drool-worthy it is to Aline, who vocalizes her attraction and administers a shock with the electric toothbrush.)

ALINE

Ooh, now he puts the “ten” in “tension” comma sexual.

(After four images and four buzzes, Gene switches it up and shares a photo of their father, Aline’s late husband. This time, Aline is shocked in a good way.)

ALINE

It’s Dad. I miss him.

GENE

Likewise.

ALINE

Buzzkill.

GENE

All in a gay’s work. So, do you feel...differently?

ALINE

I do.

GENE

Now there’s a shocker. Ma, be strai… Be real with me. You didn’t really come here for therapy, did you?

ALINE

It is…entirely possible that I came here for…acceptance. I know you love me, Gene, but I worry that I’m not relatable, that I put the other in mother, that I’m dispensable, indefensible, incomprehensible—

GENE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ma, that attitude is reprehensible. You are anything but. Just because you’re a baker doesn’t mean you need to earn brownie points. You’ve always accepted me. I never even had to ask and you never even had to question. Heck, if you were any more accepting, you’d be a no-cut audition for Fiddler on the Roof. It’s no wonder of wonder or miracle of miracles that I love you for who you are, just like Dad.

ALINE

You’re right! So I was born basic. Them’s the breaks, and I’m giving myself one.

GENE

Atta girl. Since you’re not my themesis [rhymes with nemesis], I suppose now would be the ideal time to reveal that…them’s also my preferred pronoun. Well, one of the triumvirate of they/them/theirs. And, just to put things in perspective, being cisgender isn’t quite the same as being misgendered. So…I’m going to need you to stop calling me young [man or lady].

ALINE

Well! You certainly put the pronoun in pronouncement, Gene.

GENE

Not to overwhelm you—or underwhelm you, given your quest for queerness—but I also put the pan in pansexual.

ALINE

You could’ve just one-upped me, sweetheart. There was no need to two-up me.

GENE

That’s why I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel like you were playing second fiddle to me. Plus, I…I was worried that I wouldn’t be relatable.

ALINE

Like mother, like… Like progenitor, like progeny. And this prodigious progenitor has hit the mother lode. You are proof positive that there is a gay gene!

GENE

Ma, you know that pansexual means I’m attracted to people of all genders. You also know that gay is not one of my identifiers, although I do use the word to—

ALINE

That’s what we are! We’re ident-defiers! I defy convention by having an old-school orientation and soon-to-be marginalized gender, and you defy convention by having a mother who’s taking back the A in LGBTQIA because allies are people too!

GENE

Actually, the A stands for Asexual now, so—

ALINE

Exactly, and I am a sexual being. Pop would be so proud.

(Her phone pings. She reads the message.)

Well, I’ve gotta dash. You’re not the only pan in my life, you know. I’ve got a panoply of them in the kitchen at the bakery. Ooh, I should make one for Dash. That man is going to have my cake and eat it too, every luscious layer. I… You’re okay with this, aren’t you, Gene? I mean, I know you encouraged me to mix and match, and it has been five years since…well. But if you were hoping I’d do more mixing than matching, you can tell me.

GENE

I’m not apprehensive, Ma, promise. If I weren’t, I would say cis-boom-bah-humbug!

ALINE

Don’t quit your gay job, dear. Although I recommend revising your introduction. You can no longer say “The doctor is in.” That would be a—what did you call it?—compromise of ethics. You can only in good conscience say “The doctor is out.” And with that, so am I. Toodles, toots!

(Aline exits.)

GENE

You know, Ma, you may not be queer AF, but there’s no questioning the fact that you are savage AF.

(Aline pops back in.)

ALINE

I heard that. And I concur. I may be hard-of-queering, Gene, but I’ve got pride coming out of my ears.

Curtain.

 


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