The Archive in my Mother’s Kitchen and Other Poems
by
Victoria Bailey
The archive in my mother’s kitchen
She poured it out
on the kitchen table
in the house she owns
‘with such lovely views of the hills.’
It was evening,
she was tipsy
but the table
was rock solid.
We sat either end of it,
sharing, comparing.
I’d been in the archive the day before
‘completing academic research.’
She’d been in there that afternoon
‘doing the family tree.’
She was upset.
She’d been waiting for me –
to tell me.
She said, ‘I found out
she was in and out the workhouse
with her children.
She had a baby
and it died.
Her mother signed her out
but she ended up in there,
again and again.’
She paused, frowned.
‘He must’ve been trying
to get them on their feet
and having a hard time of it.’
I questioned her speculation.
I questioned her findings.
I questioned her.
Our feelings spilled over.
‘I thought we came from something good,’
she said, between sobs.
I watched my mother cry,
then said, ‘We do.
Your mum spent a lifetime
not telling you.
Making sure you had enough
and you always have.
There’s a reason
she didn’t want you to know.’
My mother had stayed
longer than planned in the archives.
Sitting at a wobbly,
plastic-topped table,
choking on history.
Looking at long-ago lists
while staff chatted in a corner.
Seeking the personal
in the impersonal,
alone.
I wished that I’d been there
for her.
So I said, ‘Enough.
Don’t go anymore.
How much more do you need to see?
Let me look after it for you.’
She agreed,
but I didn’t really believe her
because I then wanted to reclaim
their names, our names,
written in another’s hand,
in books we don’t own.
As I finished cleaning up the archive’s mess
I wondered
if my children would one day sit at an unstable table
in a venerated storage room
reading words I’ve kept hidden.
I hoped not,
and poured myself a glass of wine
and followed my mother into her living room
‘with the lovely views of the high street.’
Archival Antonym
In Archive Fever Jacques Derrida (1996) suggests we consider the etymology and meaning of the word ‘archive.’ Perhaps a more suitable term might be ‘captive,’ for all that appears, “… in this place” or in these places is not necessarily given willingly (1996, 1). Nor might contents reflect equity, diversity, and inclusivity. Exclusionary choices regarding artifacts and access are political and power-loaded. Access to most, if not all, collections is determined on an archive-specific basis. We need other words, other terms, other expressions that denote and connote our growing understanding, or attempts to do so, of the people and spaces storing and guarding physical remains of a shared past.
Control, power and
margins linger on dusty
shelves, blow them away.
Archival Angst
In speaking of the symptoms of Archive Fever, Carolyn Steedman describes how, “What keeps you awake … is actually the archive, and its myriads of the dead, who all day long, have pressed their concerns upon you. You think: these people have left me the lot…” (2001, 17). Steedman goes onto state, “You think: I could get to hate these people; and then: I can never do these people justice; and finally: I shall never get it done” (2001, 18).
Share the imbalanced
imperfect weight of imposed
past, let’s get it done.
Archival Aims
In a podcast interview in which she discusses her archival research, Saidiya Hartman explains, “… I’m also making use of the archive as a way of kind of making stuff with the materials that I find there, so it’s not simply just a critique but it’s like, ‘Oh, how do I use these materials to make different kind of statements or rearrange them …’” (Hartman, 14:09).
Please let my archive
finds inspire work addressing
exposed injustice.
Archival Trauma
In “A trauma-informed approach to managing archives: a new online course,” Nicola Laurent and Kirsten Wright claim that archives are, “… sites of particular trauma and affect,” and go on to describe how this can manifest: “Trauma can take many forms: people who are trauma survivors using the archives; people having a trauma reaction when reading the records held in archives; and staff being affected by the people or materials they work with (vicarious trauma)” (2020, 80).
So much danger in
such secure spaces, we need
to protect ourselves.
References
Derrida, Jacques. 1996. Archive Fever: A Freudian Impression. Translated by Eric Prenowitz. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press.
Hartman, Saidiya. (n.d.). “Interview with Adrienne Brown and Adom Getachew.” The Critical Inquiry Podcast, Episode 4, WB202 podcast. Podcast audio. https://criticalinquiry.uchicago.edu/episode_4_saidiya_hartman.
Laurent, Nicola and Kirsten Wright. 2020. “A Trauma-Informed Approach to Managing Archives: A New Online Course.” Archives and Manuscripts, Vol. 48, No. 1: 80-87. doi: 10.1080/01576895.2019.1705170
Steedman, Carolyn. 2001. Dust. Manchester: Manchester University Press.
